


Self Control

by RoryCantSleep



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-04 14:53:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4141920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoryCantSleep/pseuds/RoryCantSleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A call slip received from the counselor seems like no big deal except when you're hiding something under the waist band of your basketball shorts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter one

I always used my boring first period to my advantage. It was my study hall period which meant that I had free will to do what I wanted; it was almost always sleeping except those few times when the silence of my room was too suffocating to b=do homework so I had to do it then. The hour and a half of sleep I got in that period is what actually kept me going. It got me a total of four hours of sleep for the day but I knew that the day would be hell when my teacher woke me up twenty minutes into the period handing me a note that said I was needed down in the consolers office. Nothing but panic arose in me as I felt all the eyes in the room on me as I exited the classroom. It was halfway through the school year so I couldn't find a reason for why I was to be down there. Too late in the school year to be calling me down to switch class schedules and too early to be setting up next years. I haven't been down to any of the offices this year. I kept manageable grades, good enough not to fail yet not good enough to have anyone sparking conversations about scholarships with me. It kept me down in the middle where I went completely unnoticed by teachers and the admin. Just the way I liked it; invisible. So as I was walking down there only one thing came to mind; the cuts under the waistband of my shorts. No one but two people knew about them but they wouldn't tell. I know they would't tell because I already told them not too. I already got enough shit about them at home so why would I want all my teachers to give me pity about them. The only explanation I had about them was that someone saw while I was in PE. It was hard to change knowing that one slip of clothing could reveal what I do to myself behind closed doors. There's only two people in that class that I talk to and only one of them knows so would the other tell?

All this thinking had my brain in a milkshake in rather minutes. It only further continued when the lady at the desk told me to take a seat and wait to be called in. I don't know what my head is doing to itself, hallucinating again probably after hearing the waver in the lady's voice and the tears forming in her eyes. I only ever meet her twice once before now so why would she cry over me? Now I'm thinking this isn't about me. Why would someone I never personally knew cry over my self mutilation. It was then that the door to my consolers office open and a shock of red hair came out. Josh? Why was he here too?

He saw me immidialaty and walked over. His eyes were a bit puffy and his face splotchy, what is the counselor talking to us about. He saw the confusion on my face and answered my unsaid question, "It's about Mrs. Duncan". He was about to say more when the lady at the desk ushered him back to class. She told me to go into the office then, I proceeded with hesitance. I walked in and was greeted with a pain filled smile and a gesture to sit.

"So, Mr. Joseph, You look a bit confused as to why you're down here but don'y worry, you're not in any trouble. It's about your AP Lit teacher, Mrs. Duncan." A long pause was shortly followed by, " You probably had known she was recently divorced right? She took that leave of absence a while back in November from it." I nodded, I remember her being one and how none of the staff would tell us why. I remember when she came back after two weeks and the atmosphere in the classroom changed drastically. She used to be this happy, smiley teacher who would crack a dirty joke every other minute. She was everyone's favorite teacher and she made advanced placement feel easy. She never let anyone leave the class with smiling and she would often email me to make sure I was okay. She knew some of the stuff I was going through so she would make sure I was okay when bigger, stressful assignments were put into play. All of that changed after she returned from her absence. She wouldn't talk much, most of out homework consisted of reading and annotating the books and small papers. You could see the divorce really broke her, you could see her shaking every time she would pick up her coffee and the room just felt dull. It was sad seeing such a wonderful person turn into a mess. There was one point in particular that struck horror through my bones. See, broken people know what to look for in other broken people, so when I saw thin red lines littering her skin when her jacket sleeve rode up, I was shocked. She was a broken person surrounded by things that reminded her of what she once had. The huge posters she told us were a gift from her husband were torn from the walls in a fit of anger in front of my class. Picking up shattered glass on the floor from when she through a picture from at the wall. You could tell everyone pitted her, I however empathized with her. So where my twisted mine had gone was the worst. I looked up, meeting the sorrow eyes as the words left my consolers mouth, "She committed suicide the other day." I felt my throat clog up at those words. "We're looking for a long term substitute to fill in for her. For now an English teacher with open period will be filling in until we can find a long term. Remember you can always come talk about the situation her with me or the school psychiatrist is on campus every Wednesday. You can go back to class now."

I got up from the seat and walked back to class in silence. It's gonna be hard now, remaining her for the rest of the day. I might just check myself out of school after lunch. It was going to be hard falling asleep now. I still have an hour of class left seeing how that only took about ten minutes. I'm not going to be thinking about anything but that. Suicide was something I could never really wrap my head around. I've thought about it before, I've tried it before but I still don't understand why anyone thinks of it, why I thought it was the way out. It's such a weird concept, how someone could be granted this wonderful thing called life but not want to be a part of it anymore. Was it because I'm selfish? Is it because people you attempt it and succeed it are selfish? I mean you meet all these people and take your life away from them. I can see that people enjoy my presence but I still think about taking my life away from them. Like ripping off a band aid. It hurts, a lot, but you still do it and you feel obligated to do it. Like the voices in your head have more power than you do. I would like to think I wouldn't try again but sometimes, lying hurts more than the truth.


	2. Chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit there's a lot of typos. Stick it out please. I'll fix them when I get my laptop.

The reason I say that I'll check myself out after lunch is that no one in the office will believe a student who checks themselves out of school really early. Plus I have AP lit second period so that's going to be really... Awful. I couldn't think of a better word for it. Weird is a bit off point and it's not going to be sad seeing how I've already processed the fact she's gone when I excused myself twenty minutes after getting back to class to go to the bathroom. I'm not gonna say I cried a lot. I wasn't sobbing but there were a constant stream of tears rolling down my face. It's a sad situation but the class itself isn't. What Mrs. Duncan had gone through wasn't something I had thought people committed suicide out of. She must have really loved him. She must have thought that her life couldn't go on without his love. My thoughts strew to my girlfriend. How devastated would I be if she broke up with me? I'd like to say I would cry but I don't think I would. I don't even know if I love her. We've said we loved each other before, hell going strong in junior year when we got together in eighth grade I feel like I should love her but I'm not sure.

Some people describe loving someone with that feeling you get when you look at them. That drop in your stomach and the swelling feeling in your chest: that's what love feels like. I feel like I've felt that way with her before, I remember vaguely feeling that for a week after we both had sex for the first but that eventually went away. Maybe I should break up with her. Maybe what we have isn't love, well to her it might be but to me, I don't think it is. A lot of people staying in relationships not to hurt others but I learned a while ago not to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. 

I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check the time, the numbers on the screen told me there was only ten minutes left to class and if I amble enough in the hallway, I'll get there so only five minutes of class is left. I hopped off the sinks counter and headed out. I felt heavy after thinking about breaking up with Jenna; like my limbs are moving slower then they should, like I'm trying to avoid the conversation between her and I. I didn't want to lose her, she's a really good friend and she's also one of the people who knows I hurt myself. She obviously would since she has seen me naked almost as much as Josh has and that says a lot. what if she wants revenge for this and goes and tells the whole school. I'd have to drop out. People would make fun of me. They'd surely kick me off the basketball team and everyone would hate me. Breath Tyler. You're irrationally thinking again. I'll have to talk to Josh about this at lunch, he'll know what to say. Jenna will be at lunch with us too but she's too absorbed into gossiping with her friends that we rarely ever talk at lunch but I never minded. We FaceTimed a lot after school so it makes up. 

I made it back to class with three minutes to spare, the teacher didn't seem to care as she just glanced up at me and looked back down. I made my way back to my seat and started putting away my stuff, throwing the black hoodie I was using as a pillow back on. My friend Pete came up to me looking more tired then ever, black eyeliner smudging slightly, he chooses to sleep in this period too. 

"Your eyeliner is smudged dude." I looked up at her again as he flipped me off. 

"For the record, it's guyliner and I know."

"Substituting the eye to guy does not make it any better, no one cares that you wear it, you just sound like an idiot". He scoffed at me as the bell rand and we headed towards the door. Next period was going to be hellish. 

"I heard what happened, good luck next period". I nodded as we parted ways, him turning before the stairs and me heading up them. I sighed in defeat as I looked up at the flight of stairs ahead of me. Dear god, why. Making my way up the stairs trying my best not to trip up or down, I meet up with Josh at the top. He always waited for me there so we can walk to second together. He smiled at me and I pretended not to look exhausted from climbing the stairs. 

"You look like you got hit by a bus". He said. 

"Nah, I just send up a flight of stairs and I'm pretending like I'm not dying." He just laughed in response as we continued down the hall. A wave of anxiety hit me as we approached the room and I stiffened. I didn't want this period to happen because the counselor was probably going to come talk to us as a whole again and talk to us about suicide and why we shouldn't do it or worry signs in other people and I didn't want that. I sat down in my usual seat, the very back corner seat with Josh to my right. This was gonna be a class alright. 

~*~

At lunch, I found my usual group of friends sitting by this massive oak tree out in the back of the field. We've been eating lunch her since the first day of school. We all except for two, have know each other since middle school and were too scare shitless to even think about going into the cafeteria. I decided that instead of sitting with the others today, I was going to sit up in the tree. Everyone knows not to bug me to come down cause it means that I really don't want to be around others but this time I ushered Josh into the tree too. It was a big enough tree that we can climb out of ear shot with the branches still pretty thick and we didn't has to whisper. 

We bother settled onto the same large branch sitting cowboy style face to face and he looked at me with his eyebrows rose and a questioning look on his face, then her spoke, "Any reason you just made me climb a fucking tree? This is exhausting." He sighed. 

"Do you think they could hear us?" He shook his head no. "I think I'm going to break up with Jenna but I don't know if it's a valid reason."

He looked at me with a shocked expression, "Umm, wow. Why would you want to break up with her? Weren't you guys massively in love or something?" 

"I thought so but it doesn't feel like I'm in love with her. I don't even know if I ever was. It kinda feels like I'm only staying with her because I don't want to hurt her but I can't do that to someone. You know, lead them on and that I couldn't be with any other person I liked because I'm with her and I don't know. Thoughts?"

"I guess break up with her then. If you don't feel anything then why stay with her?" I nodded at his response. 

"Should I do it now?"

"If you want."

"I'm going to do it now." I starting climbing back down, Josh following shortly after. "Jenna, can I talk to you?"

"Sure babe!" She smiled at me as we walked away from the group of people. "What's up?"

"I'm breaking up with her." Her smile fell from her face and her eyes dropped contact from mine. Suddenly she looked up and anger filled her eyes. 

"Why?!" She spat at me. I didn't think she would take it this why. 

"Because I don't love you and I don't think I ever did." SMACK. I felt a small sting across my face. It didn't hurt much, I'm used to taking hits, I grew up with twenty cousins who constantly wrestled with me. It was more of a mental pain, that someone would hit me because they didn't get their way. 

"Fuck you Tyler Joseph! Fuck you!" She ran off crying in the direction of the school and her three girlfriends rushed after her. I just calmly walked back to the group. All my friends looked at me exasperated. 

"The fuck did you do man?" My friend Jack asked. 

"I broke up with her." I set down then. 

"Okay, but why? You guys were going strong!"

"I don't love her, didn't think I ever did." All my friends nodded. Quickly trying to change the topic, I spoke. "You guys wanna check yourselves out of school and come to my place, both my parents are gone until Wednesday so I was thinking since it's Friday you guys could stay over?" They all cheered at that and we discussed times to check out of school so it wouldn't be suspicious. I was going first since I was the only one with a car to drive so I can unlock the doors, Josh ten minutes later, then Pete, then Jack, then Debby, then Haley. All with ten minute intervals. It was gonna be a bit of a squish for the people in the back but Debby could sit on Josh's lap in the back considering they're dating and Pete had already called shotgun. This was gonna be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so like, I know it says it's a joshler fic and it will be but in do time. It's unrealistic to just kiss your bestfriend right after you break up with a long term partner. I might start implementing the relationship in chapter five ish but they might not be together together for a while because of the whole Jebby thing but I have a plan for that. All next chapter will be of them at Tyler's and if you want me to write it and post it tonight, it could be really short but it also might not be. But I am writing this in the notes on my phone so yeah, yesterday I was on my Mac but my mom is on it now and I'm rambling. So comment if you want it tonight and if you don't comment, I won't post another chapter till tomorrow.


	3. Chapter three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, once again, a crap ton of typos. I'm sorry but writing in your notes on your phone is not easy

After Haley finally settled into the car, I fired up the engine and was driving off to my house which was a good ten minutes from the school. 

I wasn't focussing much on what the others were conversing about but I know both Debby and Haley were in a heated discussion on how shitty the song Blurred Lines is. I could agree, I don't understand how a song about rape got so popular. Pretty terrible if you asked me. 

After the conversation died down halfway through the ride I asked them, "You guys want pizza or something?" A loud cheer rang though the car. Taking that as a yes I handed my phone to Pete and told him to order from the Pizza Hut app. 

"Does Pizza Hut have tator tots?" Jack asked. 

"Oh my god now that you mention it tator tots sounds beautiful right now." Said Haley. Everyone seemed to agree on the topic and I'm not gonna lie, they do sound beautiful right now even though beautiful is not a correct adjective in describing what we mean. 

"Sonic is just down the ride from here, you guys want to get tator tots too?" Everyone answered yes to the question. I passed the rode I normally tuned down to enter my street and headed to sonic. The ride was quite except for the soft playing of the radio and the quick tapping of Debby's nails hitting her phone's keyboard. 

I pulled into sonic and order five orders of tator tots and waited for the person to come out. I never understood how a person at sonic was so good and roller skates, I had not seen any employee there fall or stumble, was one of the requirements to have years of roller skate experience? Or was that just a skill you develop from working there for years? Are you inevitable trapped into the job of the food deliverer because your only skill is roller skating and they don't want you to quit? The thoughts were stopped when the worker tapped on my window for the third time looking annoyed. I rolled down the window, grabbed the bag and thanked the girl. 

The short three minute car ride back to my house was once again quite but not uncomfortable. That's my favorite thing about my group of friends: we were all unbelievably introverted and could sit for almost two hours on our phones not once speaking to each other. Out record for doing that is and hour and fifty minutes which was ruined by me with my need to announce that I'm hungry. Yeah, we know how we are in sociability that we timed how long we could go without speaking and being in the same room. I'm pretty sure if you gave us permade food, phone chargers and headphones we could go a day without talking and it's somehow really amazing. Maybe a little unhealthy but that's fine too. We're all a little damaged socially and have enough anxiety and awkwardness to keep us quite for a year. How long we go from talking is taken quit seriously amongst us in a way that we're kinda, sorta proud of how long we go without talking. Wow if a therapist new about this she'd have a field day writing prescriptions and diagnosing us with illnesses we didn't even know existed. Though we didn't acknowledge each other mentally to have a conversation together, we did physically by using each other as resting places. Often me and josh would use each other as foot rests or pillows but that might change today considering Debby is on of the friends we meet this year. 

She was introduced by Josh because she was new to the school junior year and we could understand how hard it would be making friends considering by now everyone probably has a group of people they belong too. After the first quarter they started dating and now that I realize it, this is her first time coming to my house. Huh. Wonder how this is going to go. I mean we're good friends now but I don't want Josh and her being all over each other in my house, I mean I was never up all over Jenna when ever she was over unless it was time to sleep. Weird how it is but me her and Josh always shared a bed and I inwardly laughed at that thinking about that one post from tumblr where it was couple sleep position and Pete got too friendly with the couple. 

After pulling up in the driveway I cut the engine and everyone got out. More like fell out considering the awkward position everyone in the back was in. 

"Damn Joseph, your house is massive." Debby exclaimed. 

"That's right, you've never been here. Tyler's parents are loaded." Josh said. 

"What do they do?" Debby asked, she look at the house in awe. I didn't understand, the house wasn't that good looking."

"My dad works on wallstreet in New York and it's cool and all but he's never home but he doesn't want to move me away from my friends. My mom is is fashion also in New York. Same goes with her." Debby nodded in approval. 

"This is also Josh, Pete, and Jack's second home as they stay here almost every weekend and almost all of summer considering my parents are away all of summer too." I said. 

"Hey, last summer I didn't stay for all of it because I had to go home for a week cause my grandma flew in." Jack said. 

"Yeah well what's a week to three months." Josh said. 

"You're no better Josh," Pete said. "You stayed over at his three weeks into the begging of this school year." 

"I didn't mind, right Joshy?" I said. "As long as you're big spoon I'm okay with you being over." Everyone busted out laughing at the exclamation but Josh blushed hard at that. I ignored that. 

"That remind me of that time freshman year when everyone in first year home economics got to go on that week long camping trip and we all had to go to the orientation the day before to settle bus setting, tent arrangement and the teacher doing it told us that there was two to a tent and it got quite and Tyler leaned over to Josh and asked him very loudly 'big spoon or little spoon' and you made everyone in the gym, even the dean supervising laugh." Pete exclaimed, waving his hands around in emphasis. That arose another fit of laughter between the friends as we entered the house. 

"Alright guys so, Mario cart?" me, Josh, Jack, and Pete ran into the living room leaving Haley and Debby in confusion. I raced towards the cabinet and snatched the cool controller. I raised it above my head in triumph as Debby and Haley walked in. 

"Why?" Was all Haley had to say. 

"I wanted the cool controller. It's my controller but they always try to take it but I wanted it so I fucking ran for it." I said as I turned on the wii. The cool blue light up controller also meant that you won't be kicked off so others can play even if you lose. 

~*~

Three hours later it was me, Haley, Josh and Debby playing against each other. I was in last place but I had a trick up my sleeve. Josh peeked over to my screen and looked at me with rage in his eyes as he was in first place. 

"Tyler Robert Joseph I swear to fucking god don't you dare throw that blue shell." I just smirked at him. "Come on Ty, I'm your best friend!" He shouted at me. 

"Suck it Josh. There are no friends in Mario cart." I through the shell at him and he was knocked right out of first place right when he was about to win. He yelled which distracted the other two and I was able to pass them with ease which landed me first place in the race. 

" you're dead to me." Josh stated as he sat down on the couch. I went over to hug and plopped myself right on his lap and hugged him. 

"Awww, you don't mean that, you love me." I said smiling at him. He pushed me off his lap which put me at the foot of the couch. Suddenly an amazing idea occurred to me. "Guys!" I shouted. Everyone looked scared now. "Phones on the chargers and out of your hands I have an idea!" Everyone began to pull their chargers out of their bags and plugged them in. After that was done I yelled "strip!" 

"Tyler, we are not about to have an orgy." Pete said. 

I shook my head. "No not like that! Down to your underwear, we're going swimming!" They began to take off there clothes in defeat but somewhat excitement. 

Until about midnight, we spent the rest of the day trying not to drown while simultaneously trying to drown the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clear up names, obviouly you guys know who Josh and Tyler are but the other characters just in case. Pete as in Wentz from fall out boy. Jack as in barakat from all time low. Hailey as in Williams from paramore. Those are the main friends of tyler.


	4. chapter four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is really short but my mind is everywhere and no where at the moment. I was going to pull and all nighter today but I ended up falling asleep at 8am and waking up at 3pm. Help me. Also it's Josh's and Jack's birthday today. Yay!

Waking up the next morning with everyone sprawled over the multiple couches just in their underwear, I laughed. It was a funny site, a bunch of teenagers in their underwear; could't wait for Haley and Debby to wake up and start complaining about their bras, still can't believe their parents actually allowed them to stay over here. I'd imagine they'd freak out and say no if they asked to stay over at a guys house with three dudes. They'll have to go home after they wake up because I don't have clothes for them, the other dudes have a shit ton of clothes they've left here.

I needed breakfast. I walked over to the kitchen and began rumbling through the cabinet full of cereal and pull out a box of Trix. I grabbed a bowl from another shelf and poured a bowl. I went to the fridge and grabbed the milk, pouring it in the bowl after. I hopped up on the counter while staring into the bowl of cereal. Trix are for kids my ass. I began to eat when I heard someone wake up and start walking to the kitchen.

"You owe me a new bra Joseph." Haley said as she entered the kitchen. Bingo. 

"we'll go to the mall next week and I'll buy you a new one." I said as I continued to eat. he nodded in approval as she ate leftover pizza from yesterday and left the kitchen, "tell Debby that too!" I yelled after her. I received a muffled 'mhm' as she proceeded back to the living room. 

"Tell Debby what?" Josh asked as he entered the kitchen.

"That we're going to the mall next weekend to make up for the chlorine damaged bras." He nodded at that and grabbed a bowl of cereal too.

"Trix are for kids you know." he said.

"I am a kid. I'm like six, just disappointed that the cereal pieces don't look like flowers anymore."

"They still are dude, I told you, they're for kids. You can't see that they're flowers because you're not a kid." I then stared at the cereal. Oh god what if they are flowers it's just that I'm old. Oh god I'm old. "You're thinking too hard about a fucking cereal man."

"I'm done with it. Stop now before I fall into another existential crisis." I said as I got up and put my bowl in the sink. "I'm gonna go drive Debby and Haley home now, You wanna come?" He nodded and I grabbed my keys from the counter. 

"Are you going to put clothes on?" he asked.

"Nope. Let's go."


	5. chapter five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah first four chapters were consistently posted everyday but I fucked up already because I was binge watching oitnb. Sorry. Also major suicide warning for this chapter, please read with caution, I don't want to trigger anyone.

The following weekend, Josh, Jack, Haley, Debby, Pete and, I all meet up at the mall. We meet in the Zumiez because that's where Josh wanted to go first and I drove him here so in turn he dragged me there. This was more of a skate shop and last time i tried skateboarding I fell on my face and Pete laughed about it for nearly an hour. Not my cup of tea but Josh enjoyed it so I suffered through as he talked to the employee about which wheels were the best and how to take care of them. I tried not to look to excited as Josh bid farewell to the guy and we left.

"Good thing we're leaving now, Pete said that him and the girls are in the food court and Jack says he's on his way now." he nodded as we made our way to the escalators and he started running up the moving stairs. I was not about to start running on my day off. "Dude, I'm not running! Slow down before you-" a thud rang out in the open area and now Josh was sitting on the steps. I couldn't contain my laughter as he looked at me, pouting. God he looks adorable like that. Adorable? Huh. That's a new adjective for him. I shook off the feeling as I meet him at the top of the escalators. He had a decent sized escalator print cut on his elbow near the beginning of his forearm. It wasn't bleeding that bad but we took a right turn instead of left and headed towards the bathrooms. "You're a dork man."

"You're mean. I can't believed you laughed at me." He was pouting once again and that stirred something in the pit of my stomach, a reaction I never seemed to get from looking at hime before.It was weird not in a bad way but in a 'this never happened before' kind of way. I didn't respond to him, I just kept quiet. I didn't know what to say to that. He nudged me with his elbow, "Something wrong?" he asked. I just shook my head no. "can't be as bad as having a fucking future scar in the shape of an escalator grip doomed to having to tell people that you tripped up a set of moving stairs that you're meant to just stand on."

"Yeah definitely not as bad as that, just thinking a bit." He looked at me shocked.

"You can think?" 

"Dick." I muttered and he again hit me with his elbow. This is nice."

Shortly after we cleaned up the cut and the bleeding stopped, we meet up with the others at Victoria Secret, literally the second worst store in the mall because of the lack of space, right next to hollister. 

~*~

It was 3:30 in the morning and I was staring at a bottle of sleeping pills. It would be so easy to just down them all now. Just take all 100 of them and just fall asleep and stay asleep. It's become a daily thought, this. I keep staring at them and I keep thinking about it but the only thing stopping me is that I can't even swallow one pill without water let alone enough to overdose. It's also become accompanied with a bottle of vodka sitting next to it. I heard you're more likely to OD if you take it with alcohol so I thought if I were to actually go through with it, I would take it with vodka and not water. Just like I'm doing it now. I don't remember getting up or grabbing both bottles or opening them but I did. I have all the pills now scattered on my bed. I have one last chance to not do this; I don't even have a note. I picked up one of the pills to inspect it, the numbers ingrained into the pills bore holes in my eyes and taunted me. Maybe the more numbers I down the more I'll be worth. 

I placed the pill in my mouth and brought the boat;e of vodka to my lips. 

One.

I counted as I went.

Two. I placed two more in my mouth this time.

Four. Maybe I should text Josh.

Six. My parents wouldn't be home for another week. They're not here to stop me.

Eight. I'm going to text Josh.

Ten. That's only worry he doesn't need.

Twelve. He only lives down the street, He could get here easily.

Fourteen. I should probably text him now.

Sixteen. I can feel some of them start to hit, or it's the alcohol. I took four now; the buzz is making me less fearful about choking and choking will only speed the process.

Twenty. Taking move will speed up the process too.

Twenty four. I should really text Josh now. 

Twenty eight. I was starting to sway back and forth. Maybe I can try taking six.

Thirty four. I can't think straight. 

Forty. Did I text him yet?

Forty six. I sent him a text that just said 'help'

Fifty two. I feel really dizzy.

Fifty eight. Maybe it'll work this time. I'm up twenty more pills than last time. 

Sixty four. I think I'm done taking pills. Sixty four is a good number. A nice number and I can feel the bile rising in my throat but I swallow to try and keep it down. Hopefully I won't throw up this time. I think that's what ruined the last time. 

I made my way to the bathroom and sat down next the the bathtub. I thought about what happened in the mall earlier. I thought about Josh, He had to have received the text already and is probably making has way down here. I frowned. I'm causing him so much trouble right now. If I died now, he would lose a long term best friend. We've known each other since sixth grade and I'm taking that away from him. I can't do that to him. I can't hurt him like that. I pulled my phone from out of my pocket and called him.

"Tyler what the fuck is happening?" he shouted. "I'm running over right now are you okay?" I started crying.

"Josh please hurry. I took so many pills. I don't want to die Josh, please hurry. Please hurry. I feel dizzy but I don't think I'm going to pass out yet."

"Tyler I'm just outside now, I'm going to hand up now okay? I need to call an ambulance alright?"

"Okay." He hung up but not thirty seconds later I heard him bound up the stairs and my bedroom door open. He was speaking on the phone.

"No, I just got to his house, he says he took a lot of pills, can you just hurry up!" he yelled into the phone, He saw me in the bathroom and rushed over. "Tyler how do you feel, they want to know."

"It hurts so bad. I feel like someone lit my stomach on fire and I can feel it coming back up but it just won't happen." He repeated what I said to the person on the phone, I heard muffled talking on the other line and then he hung up.

"They're on their way now, she said to just stay still but stay awake and if you feel like you're about to fall asleep to lay on your stomach or side." I nodded as he pulled me into a hug trying to calm down the quiet sobs leaving me. "Why?" was all he asked.

"I don't. I don't fucking know. The bottle kept staring at me and it was just there. I could do it. I can do it. I did do it but-" I felt my stomach cramp up and pulled out of the hug immediately and put my head over the toilet and threw up. God the bur hurt worse than the last time. I can hear the sirens in front of my house and I can hear people rushing up the stairs but it felt like everything was happening behind a screen. I felt Josh grip my hand as my eyes started to droop but I wasn't about to fall asleep not now. I tried to open up my eyes and keep them open but I felt each blink getting longer but I tried. They started asking questions but I just stared at them so Josh answered for them. Soon after I was put on a stretcher and then I was in an ambulance and that's when I lost the battle of staying awake. I let my eyes close.

~*~ 

I woke up in a hospital with the same blinding white light as usual and red hair. It was definitely an attention grabber when you feel as high as a kite from whatever they were pumping in my veins through my IV which totally defeats the purpose. Go ahead, put more drugs in me. I came to my senses realizing that I was just tired. Extremely tired. I found my voice and just said 'hi'.

"Oh thank god." Josh said as he pulled me into another hug. "all the others know now because they meet up with me after I said I was at the hospital. I don't know if you wanted me to tell them but they all sat on me in the waiting and wouldn't get off me until I told them why I was there."

"No it's fine, I would've eventually told them but why aren't they here?"

"It's three in the morning. They only allow people on your list to stay past visiting hours and all their parents made them go home."

"What about you?"

"Please, my parents couldn't pull me out of this seat with a bulldozer." I laughed at that. "I'm glad you texted slashed called me."

"Josh, you can't say slash in real life it doesn't work that way. You know the first thing that popped in my head was that I couldn't leave you right? Not even my parents fucking came to mind. Not once. Fucked up right?"

"I don't know. Touchy subject but they're never around you know?"

"Yeah I guess. You've been here for me more times then they have so it does make sense but I feel bad you know?" He nodded. "You said it was three in the morning?" I scooted over in my bed, "come on, if you're gonna stay, at least sleep in a slightly less uncomfortable bed." He got up from the chair and joined me in the bed. This is nice. The same feel I got when he looked at me on the escalator returned but it wasn't weird anymore. I felt safe. The only word I can think of is nice. This feels nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bros, I would like to think that this is really long but this is making up for the short ass last chapter. I also hate suicide cliff hangers so I had to put that he was okay and just to let you guys know, I actually cried writing that part. God there's something wrong with me also if you thought that I'd kill him? I would never do that to my Lil' bean.


	6. chapter six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm bored, here's another chapter:)

Josh's parents visited me while I was in the hospital. I spent a lot of time thinking about how they've been more parental towards me than my actual parents. My mom nor my dad came back to check me out of the hospital. They faxed over papers so I could get out of the hospital; they couldn't find time to come back and see their child just after they attempted to kill themselves yet another persons parents could. The moment Josh told them about me, they dropped what they were doing and showed up in my room with one of those massive novelty teddy bears. I'm not ashamed to admit I cried, I felt loved. It was weird because they also drove me home, of corse Josh stayed with me though. To be honest I don't think he's going to be away from me for a while; probably not going to trust me alone either. I don't blame him but the aftermath of that is something I'd rather not go through again. It's been a couple days since I was released but I'm still being affected by it. My stomach hurts so bad when I eat something heavy so I'm stuck eating crackers and drinking water. My throat hurts from throwing up so much; both from throwing up the pills and from eating too much now. I get dizzy whenever I move too quickly and I've been sleeping almost fourteen hours a day. I just feel like shit. I also feel like I have no room to complain. I brought this upon myself. No one made me take those pills but still.

I've also been thinking a lot. I have so much time on my hand since I'm being kept out of school for two weeks. It's only Tuesday but I've analyzed everything that's ever happened to me and every person I've ever met. I've also thought a lot about love. Mainly from my parents. I feel like a massive burden to them; in every way possible. I feel like an anchor towards them. How they have to pay two house bills every mouth plus utilities just so they don't have to take me away from my friends. I mean at least they give me that. That they're understanding enough not to pull me away from my life when most parents would just up and leave and ignore their kids cries and pleas to stay yet I can't help to think that they groan and sigh and complain whenever they have to pay for my credit card or the house bills. I want to desperately please them but it's not easy because whenever I show them something worthwhile they just nod at me without looking up. Like in middle school, sixth grade when I won first prize in a music contest and had my babysitter call them up to tell them, they just said it was impressive with a voice full of monotony and made a bullshit excuse that they were in a meeting and hung up. At least my baby sitter thought it was amazing and bought me a cake to celebrate. All my babysitters were great to me except I learned not to get attached to them because each year they had to go and the next I would have a new one, it's been that way since I was three but it stopped when I turned thirteen. That's when my mom taught me what to do if someone was to break into the house, she bought me a phone and gave me a pay as you spend credit card; that was when they started to leave for months at a time and when my friends started staying over for weeks at a time. My mom nor my dad would reprimand me for spending too much so I just starting going everywhere with my friends to avoid the large empty house. I couldn't even call it home because at age twelve home started becoming people and not a place. It started with home being babysitters. When I would walk home from school I never looked forward to the house but the babysitter that took care of me for that year. Home has also always been my friends too, especially Josh. He's become a major shelter to me these past six years.

Josh. I've also thought a lot about him. Like what's the deal with this funny feeling I get every time I look at him or he smiles at me or the even funnier feeling I get when I see him with Debby. I think I like him but I don't know. I thought I liked Jenna but that didn't work out well but I feel like it's different this time. I think I liked Jenna at one point but I never felt this way towards her so maybe this time it's for real. The sucky part is people don't usually think about their best friend this way but I like to think too much. Most people blow away the funny feeling they get when they look at their best friend, throwing that whole bullshit that it's just friendship love or adoration to the person who's stuck it out the most for them but I can't. Josh staying home with me has not helped either but we both decided to pull my king sized bed down to the living room to sleep there so we can fall asleep to movies or TV shows. I've spent a lot of time sleeping during the day and staying up at night to think about him. Right now he's in the shower and he thinks I'm asleep but I've just been laying on the bed thinking but what would I do to stop fucking thinking. I feel like I have cabin fever; like I just need to leave the house. It's starting to become suffocating in here; the quiet is becoming so loud it's left a ringing in my ear. I got up from the bed and made y way to my actual room to get ready. I'm leaving this house whether Josh liked it or not.

I threw on a pair of black skinny jeans and a hoodie. I didn't bother putting on a shirt because I didn't feel like it. I grabbed my red beanie from my dresser and went downstairs. The shower stopped ten minutes ago so he's probably getting ready now and should be done in a few. I put on my shoes and went to the kitchen. I was't hungry but I'm getting tired of being alone in the living room. I don't like being alone and I'd rather not ruin my safe place by thinking about how lonely it feels so I'd rather ruin the kitchen. 

"Tyler?" Josh shouted from the living room.

"Kitchen." I replied. Soon after he walked in.

"Where are you going?" He asked me.

"Doesn't matter but I need to get out of the house before I become even more insane."

"Alright." he said. 

"Just me and you alright? I don't feel like being around that any people okay?" I said. I really didn't. All the others would ask questions that I'm tired of asking. I had to tell my parents why, both separate times, same with Josh's, and he himself, my aunt who was called by my mom, the school and I'm just sick of answering why. They know know what I did but not exactly why and it's hard to explain why when you're not even sure why yourself. He nodded at that and went to go put his shoes on. 

"Let's go to the park and just chill."

~*~

We did exactly that. Till about eleven pm at the swings. We got a lot of weird looks from parents and couple kids came up and asked Josh if he was a faerie because of his bright red hair and I laughed for a solid five minutes at that. Probably the most I laughed since I got out of the hospital and I probably could have laughed longer if the pain did't become so severe that I almost threw up. Since then we just sat on the swings, me trying not to move so I don't become so dizzy. I'm just glad we didn't walk to the park, we drove instead and that makes me extremely happy because all I could think about is how shitty the walk would have been. 

"Despite me almost blowing chunks this is nice." Once again, could't find a better word for it.

"What's with you and the word 'nice' lately? That's all you've been describing good things as. It's not a bad thing but just wondering." He asked me. Good question.

"I don't know. It just fits for me now. It just fits the feeling and describes it perfectly. The word is nice."

"You know I'm really glad you're alive right?" He says.

"I know that was a rhetorical question but really?"

"Yeah, otherwise I wouldn't be able to hear you describe a word using the word." He laughed. I laughed too.

"We should go now. I would much rather look at the sky on my roof then feel like I'm going to get murdered if I turn my back."

"Alrighty." We got up and started to walk to the car. "Come on my lady, the night is still young!" He said joking as he grabbed my hand and started skipping, dragging me along with him. "Dude, it loses it's effect if you don't skip with me."

"Yeah yeah but skipping doesn't work when you don't give me a chance to skip with you and I keep tripping over my on feet!" I laughed out. He slowed down to a stop and looked at me. He then unexpectedly pulled me into a hug.

"I'm really really really really really glad you're alive." He said again. 

"I couldn't have left you like that." That was the only thing I could think to say because I really couldn't, I couldn't leave him like that. The next moment was somewhat of a blur as it reminded me of when I couldn't remember getting the pills because I don't remember pulling out of the hug and pulling him in for a kiss. We both stiffened at the contact because it was unconscious for me and a surprise on him. Eventually, we both melted into it. Lips sliding together but then I remembered that we were in a park. I pulled away and looked at him.

"Wow." Was all I could think to say. "We, we should go home now." I took the lead walking back to the car and I could hear his footsteps behind me. I still wasn't given the all clear to drive yet so I got into the passenger side. When he got in and started the car, and drove back to my place in silence. It wasn't really an awkward since but it wasn't comfortable either, like unspoken words. Of course there was unspoken fucking words Tyler you just kissed your best friend. Fuck me. I did the best that I could manage and hit my head against the glass repetitively.

"Tyler stop hitting your head on the window before you hurt yourself. We can talk about it when we get home in a minute not while I'm driving." I stopped but only because I didn't want to go back to the hospital with the probability that Josh won't be there this time and that my house was just down the rode now. 

He pulled into the driveway and the moment that the car was put into park I opened my door and ran for the inside. I had a habit of not locking the door so I just ran inside, up the stairs, into my room then into my bathroom, locking the door behind me. I heard him rushing up towards me but I'd rather not address this yet. I could avoid him for the rest of my life right? It's not gonna be that hard. I'm pretty sure. 

"Tyler you can't just lock yourself in the bathroom."

"I am though." I heard him sigh and slide against the door, typical cliche movie style.

"Can you come out please?" He asked. He should desperate, scared even. "I can't lose you."

"You probably hate me now so if you do just leave, I'll understand."

"Dude, are you not thinking straight? Well I mean that was defiantly not thinking straight but do you remember what happened because I'm also a hundred percent sure that I kissed back? So can you come out and like, kiss me again?" I was shocked. Was he serious? I got up and unlocked the door pulling it open watching him fall into the bathroom. He got up onto his feet and meet my gaze. He grabbed the side of my faced and pulled me into a sloppy, desperate kiss that I didn't want to end but we had to because whatever this was, we needed to discuss.

"Fuck. I'm screwed." Was all he had to say.

"Why?"

"Because I confused because of how much I like that and Debby."

"Fuck."


	7. chapter seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what. I mean it's totally not like I fell asleep at 12pm and woke up at 1am and I plan on not going to sleep until 8pm so I can finally get a regular sleeping schedule again. Me? nooo.....

I just felt at home in Josh's arms you know? Like I said before, home has always been people for me so when we spent the night downstairs rewatching parks and rec while I rested onto his chest, I felt nice; calm and reposed. I felt like the past Saturday never happened but if that day never happened I don't think me and Josh would have happened but lets not dawn on the would have and the would not haves because they don't matter. What matters is that right now Josh is currently asleep and I'm pushed flush against him. It was very enjoyable but I felt like I wasn't allowed to move because I didn't want to wake him up. That's the only con of cuddling when it takes you an hour to fall asleep but it wasn't actually falling asleep as it was two in the afternoon and I woke up and hour ago and he's still asleep. I didn't feel like getting up; mainly because I didn't feel like moving and it was comfortable where I am. I planned on staying where I was until Josh woke up but that plan was ruined when the doorbell rung but I didn't feel like getting up so I stayed where I was. Answering the door meant that I had to take to someone and I didn't feel like talking to anyone. Wow, I didn't want to do anything anymore. I knew the plan of ignoring the door wouldn't woke when my phone starting ringing the caller ID saying that it was Pete that was calling.

"Dude, answer the door." Was all he said.

"Who's that?" Josh asked.

"It's pete. He's at the door telling me to open it because I ignored the doorbell because I didn't want to get up."

"Just open the door jackass." I groaned while I stood up. 

"I don't want to talk to anyone." I said as I hung up. I was about to throw a child like tantrum when Pete rung the doorbell again. I quickly walked over to the door and opened it. 

"Bro, I haven't seen you since you got out of the hospital," he said as he pulled me into a hug, "okay so the others sent me to ask first but do you guys want to do something today?" I really didn't want to go out put I would sacrifice my laziness for my friends. 

"I guess yeah, what do you have in mind?" I asked as we started to walk back into the living room.

"No, idea." He practically shouted. "Dude, why is your bed in the living room?"

"Because that's where we sleep now. It's also because we are both too lazy to bring any game console upstairs into my room and the kitchen is ten steps away." Josh said.

"Yo Josh! I haven't seen you either. You guys have just been camping up in here for the past week?" Pete asked.

"Pretty much yeah. No, actually we went to the park the other day." I said. I almost went into detail what happened but I'd rather not explain that to him yet. Especially because we haven't even discussed what we are and when he's gonna break up with Debby. We talked about it enough that we knew he was gonna break up with her regardless if we were gonna be together because he still cheated on her. 

"So right now I decided that we are gonna go ice skating. No room for complaints mainly because I know that none of you guys have ice skated before and I look forward to seeing all y'all falling on your asses." I said. I've ice skated a couple times before with cousins and such but I know for a fact that none of them have before.

"I'm down. No matter what, we're all gonna be in a fit of laughter because even when I fall, I'm gonna laugh at myself." Josh said. I'm not that much looking forward to them falling as much as I'm looking forward seeing Josh all rosy faced bundled up. The ice rink was outside and it was December so it was pretty cold and I don't know why but people look ten times cuter in winter clothing. 

"Alrighty, I'll text them all to go to the rink, meanwhile, I have to go back home and grab proper saying outside for a long time attire. Goodbye." He left the room and then I heard the door shut.

"Sweet. Lets get ready."

~*~

I heard another thud behind me followed by a squeal and another thud. I turned around to see that Jack was on the ice with Haley practicing on top of him.

"Barakat, I swear to god stop pulling me down with you!" She shouted at him, trying to find an easy way to get back on her skates. That was probably the ninth time that Jack had latched onto her while he fell and brought her down with him. It was funny and left the group laughing again. I was having an okay time but every so often I had to go off the ice and sit down for a while because I got a little faint. The effects of the OD were still going though they were more mild they still were hitting me. It didn't feel good both mentally and physically. I kept feeling very inadequate every time I jokingly pulled Josh off the wall and lead him to the middle of the ring and pulled my hands away and he would freak out because he didn't want to fall and I had to bring him back quickly before I fainted. This time though, I went off the ice because I wanted to be alone. It just felt kinda shitty that I couldn't do fun things without almost passing out. I made my way to the bench where my bag was at and sat down grabbing my phone out. I pulled up tumblr and began scrolling when Josh appeared in front of me.

"Dude, you're so not allowed to go on tumblr when you're hanging out with your friends." He said jokingly said.

"I just kinda want to go home but I don't want to ruin your guy's fun." I replied as I locked my phone and pocketed it.

"We've been here for a good three hours, if you wanted to leave you should've just said something. You're only my ride here so we can go home if you want?"

"Are you sure you want to go? You don't have to go either. I can come pick you up when you want to leave? I don't want to be a fun killer."

"You're not killing any fun. It's cold as fuck and I'd kill to be inside right now. Go to the car and I'll go tell the others." I nodded and began to take the rented hockey skates. I always hated putting them on but it's almost worth it because the feeling in your feet that you get when you stand up after taking them off is amazing. I slid on my shoes and grabbed my things. I dropped off the skates at the rental place and went to my car. I started it up and immediately turned the heat on full blast. Seriously should have put on a pair of gloves I thought as I put my hands up on the heater things.

I waited five minutes in the car with the radio playing softly before Josh got in.

"Sorry for taking so long, Debby tried to convince me to stay longer or at least go over to her house so it took forever trying to get her off my back and it's hard to untie skates and retie your shoes when your fingers are practically frozen." He said as he held his fingers to the heaters in the same way I did before. I pulled the car out of it's parking spot without responding. I think it was a jealousy response; I really wanted him to break up with her already so we can decide what we are. "Okay, you know I can read you like a book, I'll break up with her when we have one on one and not in front of people so we can complain and no I didn't kiss her goodbye but I got a text from Haley saying she was pissed at me so that's a start right? Jesus Christ." He said as he ran his hands over his face. "This is complicated okay? I'm really frustrated because I really honestly don't know how to break up with someone. I'm sorry."

"No. You have no reason to be sorry, I'm just being unreasonable about the situation. I know it's probably gonna be difficult but I can't help but be jealous and irritable. I blame it on my fucked up brain. I can't think straight when I'm tired sometimes."

"Do you only like me because of those reasons too? Are you just fucking with me?" I accidentally breaker suddenly which jolted us forward a bit.

"What the fuck no! Josh I felt something before Saturday, a the mall you know? When you tripped up the escalator and looked at me? This just helped me realize what it as." I pulled up to my house and shut the car off but stayed in the car. "I've had a lot of time to think about this so it wasn't blown off. I really do like you. Let's go inside."

"I'll call her over and break up with her now if you want?" He asked.

"Only if you want. I'll leave the door unlocked, she can just walk in and you can talk to her upstairs or whatever." I said making my way over to my bed. "For now, what movie do you want to watch to kill time considering they'll probably stay longer."

"Um, lets watch Mulan and nah, they said they were gonna leave in few after we left so I'll text her now." I put on the movie and sat down Josh following after right next to me. He pulled me almost completely on top of him and wrapped his arms around my waist. His phone buzzed and I looked at the screen as he opened the message.

'Cool, I'll just walk in.' Read the message.

"Alright, let's just sing along to the movie till she comes." I laughed.

~*~

Half an hour later we were both falling asleep rendering the door opening going unnoticed.

"What's this love fest I'm missing out of?" laughed Debby. We were both startled out of our daze and joined in the small laughter. "So Josh, you wanted to talk?"

"Oh, yeah, let's go upstairs." She nodded and began walking out of the room, Josh following." Before we agreed that he would tell Debby the exact reason why he was breaking up with her, hoping that that she wouldn't explode it all over before we were even officially together.

Not five minutes later, Debby is storming out of the house and Josh was walking down the stairs in a daze holding his cheek.

"God, what is with the girls that we date where they slap us when we break up with them. I'm mean I kinda deserved, I did cheat on her."

"Yo, never justify abuse with doing something like that. It wasn't intentional." I said. I hate when people think it's okay to hit others, I was in kind of a weird place after Jenna hit me but never addressed it. 

"Promise me that if we ever break up that you won't hit me." He said sitting down next to me.

"Promise and we have to be together for that to be an option."

"Is that your way of asking me out?" He asked, I nodded and he laughed. "So romantic but I'll take it." He pulled me into a slow kiss that seemed to stretch time. After this, I feel like I'm starting to be in a better place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop, there it is. They are now officially together.


	8. chapter eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the no new chapter yesterday and the late post today

I wasn't very found of people randomly showing up at my house without a phone call. Specifically because when the doorbell rings I have to rush around the living room looking for something to put on since the past few days have been spent in my underwear. However Haley knows that I only lock my door when my parents are home and they are not. Considering that the last day since Josh and I were officially together was spent making out on my bed. You can imagine the surprised look on her face when she walked into the living room looking to yell up a storm but the look of anger subsided into underling standing as she pieced together her unspoken questions.

"Ohhh, that makes a lot of sense now." We didn't bother flinging away from each other considering she now knows so I just crawled off of Josh's lap and looked up. "Debby called me crying saying you broke up with her because you cheated on her but I haven't been able to leave the house until now so I came here to rip your head off but now I'm not going to do that cause I understand why. So why weren't you gonna tell us?"

"Welp." I paused trying to think up a response, "We sort of only officially gotten together last night and we were gonna wait to tell you guys when we go back to school after next week. We were gonna just walk in holding hands and just face it head on, let everyone know at once so lets keep it that way?"

"Ugh! Fine! But it's going to be hard cause the more that I think about you guys being together the more I just want you guys to do cute things together. Oh god now I'm imagining things." She pulled her hand to her face and moved her he air, "I'm fangirling over people in real life. I need help." Me and Josh just laughed at that because it was funny watching a friend freak out over a relationship. "I'm going to go now. Give you two some, alone time." She said throwing a wink. Josh picked up a pillow and threw it at her but she quickly dodged it and ran to the door, after the sound of the door closing rung through the house we proceeded to what we were doing before.

Not ten seconds later though my phone rang. I reached for it on the coffee table and looked at it.

"It's my mom." I answered the call saying 'hello.'

'Tyler, It's mom," I rolled my eyes at that. Even though she has a phone she never understood that all phones have caller ID. 'Your father and I are flying in tomorrow, a big storm is supposed to come in next week so we cancelled all of our meetings to avoid it. We're also having your cousins fly in as soon as winter brea starts. Just to give you a heads up. Also you can invite Josh and his family over this year if you want. Okay, gotta go, we'll call when the plan lands. Bye!"

"What'd she want"

"They're flying in tomorrow and just gave me info about break and such. We have next week off still from us staying home, we go to stealth following week and take finals, then my cousins are staying with us all spring break and she also said you and your family can come over for christmas again."

"Sweet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so short! I think I have a bit of writers block because I've had the same headache for the past two days . ugh.


	9. Chapter nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS. I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU ARE FROM THE STATES BUT GAY MARIGE HAS JUST BEEN LEGALIZED IN ALL 50 STATES. 50 STATES OF GAY. I'M SO HAPPY BECAUSE I'M PANSEXUAL SO IF I EVER WANT TO MARRY A WOMEN I CAN. I'M SO HAPPY. WHEN I WOKE UP AND SAW THAT I LITERALLY STARTED CRYING. I MEAN I LIVE IN VEGAS AND THE STATE OF NEVADA ALREADY HAD LEGAL GAY MARIGE BUT STILL IT FEELS GREAT THAT MY WHOLE COUNTRY HAS LEGALIZED IT. ALSO HAVE YOU SEEN THE PICTURE OF THE WHITE HOUSE LIT UP IN RAINBOW COLORS AND THE PICTURE WITH THE RAINBOW OVER THE WHITE HOUSE? TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY. THIS WILL BE IN HISTORY BOOKS. I'M CRYING. THANK YOU OBAMA YOU ARE LITERALLY THE BEST PRESIDENT EVER AND IF ONLY YOU COULD GET FOUR MORE YEARS.

*Summer break*

(I know it's a jump in time but I'm not that good with writing when my characters are in school because I have no idea how to keep with the schedule)

It's once again summer break and my parents are off to New York again and most of my friends are here to stay. I say most because apparently Pete is grounded the whole entire summer because he failed Algebra two and has to repeat it next year and his parents are pissed. I'm not so much looking forward to the forever staying over at my house that my friends are gonna do cause I thought this would be a summer where I just chilled and watched movies while cuddling with Josh but Jack and Haley are constantly suggesting to go outside and ew, outside. I mean my friends are great and all but I still haven't recovered mentally from what I did last December but that's mostly because my parents totally ignored the fact that I attempted suicide again when they returned for break and that kind of hurt and they still haven't acknowledged it even when they had to refill my meds. So all I've been doing was finding comfort in my boyfriend's arms while complaining about them. It worked most of the times but other times I just found myself in the shower contemplating if I should find one of the many blades I've hidden around the house and using it but I never did. I've been good for way to long to start again. The last time I did it was the day before my attempt so Its been about five months without it but it's one of those things that whenever something goes bad my thighs itch from the need of familiarity. Those days are also the days where I spend the rest of my day staring at the places I have them hidden. The places are well hidden though. The first day I got home after the attempt Josh looked everywhere to get rid of the blades but some of the places were too good. I have a few taped on the very bottom of my bedroom door, taped to one of the posters on my wall, in CD cases, the inside of my desktop computer, book sleeves, those are the places where I knew no one would check and they're only seconds away. Today was one of those days because my mom had texted me telling me that the prescription to my meds were ready. Earlier I picked them up and decided to lock myself in my room while Josh yelled for me to open the door.

"Come on man, what's wrong? I can help, or at least try to help." He was right. He could totally help just by sitting next to me but I was too stubborn to open the door and go back downstairs. It wasn't much stubbornness though, it was more of me in a trance staring at the poster that has the blades behind it. It was an old Jurassic Park poster that I had since I was in middle school. I heard the door knob jiggle for a second and then it was open. He saw me sitting in the middle of the floor staring at the poster. "I think you forgot about the time when we pulled off that prank on Jack when his family left out of town and I had to learn how to pick a lock." He said moving over to me and sitting down beside me. "What's so interesting about the poster?" He questioned as he rested his head on my shoulder. 

"It's not the poster, it's what's behind it." He pulled his head off my shoulder and looked at me while making a funny face.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Hold on." I said as I got up. I walked over to the poster and starting to pull in off the wall. I showed him the back of the poster and his face fell. He saw the box cutter blades taped to the back. He stood up and made his way over to me and pulled me into a bone crushing hug.

"Do you think you can throw those away for me? And all the other ones you have hidden throughout the house?" I shrugged at that. I knew I could but the attachment to them are too strong. Even though I haven't used any of the well hidden ones it's still there. "Come on, I'll help you get all of them too." I nodded. I didn't feel like talking.

~*~

Over the rest of today He helped me remove the blades from my house. All of them this time; I didn't leave one blade in my house. We also took a trip to the river that runs through the back of the park and leads into the forest. We threw the blades into the river. It reminded me of when we were in middle school and we would explore the park and try and map it so we could end up in this clearing in the dense woods. It was our favorite place to hang out especially because there was this hundred year old oak tree in the center of the clearing that we made a little fort out of. We found old branches and small dead trees and built a fort out of it. We decided that today we would camp out there so we brought essentials too: bug spray, sleeping bags, food etc... It was exactly how I remembered it despite not having been here in years. I also brought my note book so by the times Josh had fallen asleep, I stayed up and wrote. I finished two songs inspired by today's events. The names were 'Trees' and 'Forest'. I'd show Josh in the morning but for now, I'm going to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go guys, sorry I'm not writing everyday. My sleeping schedule is all over the place and when I want to write I'm either too tired to think or my laptop is dead. Y'all should suggest some things you'd like to see in the story and I'll try and incorporate it. Thanks for reading:)


	10. chapter ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while.. I got glasses so that's new. What's up with you guys? THIS IS SHORT. READ END NOTE TO SEE WHY.

I got the infamous text from Jenna. All she did was apologize for her reaction and said she wanted to meet up and patch up as friends. I said her no; I told her there was no way I could stay friends with someone who would resort to physically hurting me once they didn't get their way. She hasn't replied and I really hope she doesn't try to come and talk to me later on. Or show up at my door randomly but I probably just jinxed myself. Oops. I have Josh with me though. I doubt that he'll let her come near. I'd do the same with him and Debby though I haven't heard much about or from her. Haley also thought that she would have to stop being friends with Debby because of the breakup. She didn't, all I told her was to keep her away from us. She said she'd.

The summer so far though has been uneventful. I mean if you count making out with Josh during movie we've already seen uneventful. Comparing to last summer, my house is very vacant. It's just been me and Josh considering Pete is grounded and Jack is home wrecking it up. Last week he texted me saying he slept with a girl that was already in a relationship and the girl's boyfriend came over the next day and punched him giving him a black eye. I've always thought it was stupid that people get made at the person who is not their partner like it makes absolutely no sense. I get it if their your friend and know you two are dating but one night stands have no clue and should't you be mad at your partner instead? Or why do people resort to violence to apprehend something. Yeah words hurt a lot but don't hit people? Is it that hard to understand that hurting someone is not okay because that can leave permeant mental scaring? 

It's currently eight in the morning and Josh is still asleep. I'm pretty sure he'll be asleep until twelve considering we didn't go to sleep until two but I hardly sleep. I decided to go be a good boyfriend and make breakfast. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing but I'll figure it out I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so my mom got home faster than expected so this is all I had time to write, I'll add a chapter continuing this with Tyler making the breakfast and Josh waking up. Sorry:/


	11. chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, I promised another chapter that time but it never happened... I'm sorry

My mind has been incredibly blank. That's the best way I can describe it. Thoughts are usually clouded my brain, pulling apart actions and directing words but now? I can barely think about what my mom said on the phone earlier. I don't think I was paying attention, I don't know if I want to pay attention. I'm not used to having a clear mind, I'm always drowning in whys and what ifs and who's and I don't know if I like it. It's new... Ever since I can remember I thought and thought and thought so much that I had trouble falling asleep without white noise but now it takes me ten minutes to fall asleep and I no longer think about what's making certain noises outside or imagining what's making the noises. It kind of sucks a little. I used to ask Josh why he would pick the certain cereal in the morning or think about why his showers were always a different time, some longer than others yet shorter and shorter. I think it's because he's picking up on subtle changes in me as slowly as I'm realizing them myself. He notices that I don't ask people in horror movies what they're doing and I'm no longer making sarcastic comments towards the dialogue; when we go out for walks I'm not as excited as I used to be when a dog would be walking towards us. I think he's worried about me. I'm worried about me. I don't know if this is a new stage into the cluster fuck that is the cocktail of my mental health or is this how a normal humans thoughts are. It's also taking me a while to think about this; focussing is harder now too. I can't sit still, I find myself getting up and walking around the house whilst we watch movies or tv shows, I think It's starting to big Josh too.

I'm sat in the yard currently pulling at the grass, slowly forming a grass mountain. Josh was currently out to get in n' out, I didn't feeling like leaving the house today so I decided to stay home, He was a bit hesitant about that. I assured him I was fine and that he can call me when he gets to the place but when he did he sounded like a mother making sure their son was okay. I didn't mind it though, I would feel the same way if he were to have done what I did; he should be home any minute now.

I feel like I have no sense of time anymore. Yesterday didn't seem to end while we watched pulp fiction but the day before time seemed to move to fast because we spent the day having a bubble bath, not as erotic as it seems seeing as all we did was make bubble beards and splash each other, the floor had more water on it than in the tub by the end. We didn't even notice that the water had gone cold. That's the thing about relationships; you can ignore inconveniences just to have a little fun with the person and it means more than a dozen red roses or a box of chocolate, their company is enough. I heard the sliding glass door open and some bags shuffling as Josh came out to the yard.

"I brought one of the blankets from the closet outside. I'd assume you would want to eat out here."

"Mhm." I got up from the to help him set up the blanket. For some reason physics makes it impossibly hard to lay out a blanket on the ground perfectly. A corner always turns up or a huge fold is in the middle and it's never a one man job. "I'm gonna go wash my hands, I was pulling out the grass and I'd rather not have grass hamburger."

"Sounds like a plan." I walked inside to the kitchen and walked over to the sink. I started washing my hands as I looked up, I can see the back of Josh from the window as he ate on the blanket. I will never get over that feeling every time I look at him, or hear him, or hear of him; It's just one of those things. A feeling comparable when you go down slides at the water park that are almost vertical or the feeling your chest gets as you enter a lake after cliff diving but these feelings are better. More adrenaline. Your heart rate is faster. You can't feel your legs. Your brain is dizzy. I think I love him.

I dried my hands in the dish towel and headed back to the screen down. He turned around and smiled at me; Oh man. I know I love him. I walked over and sat down. He handed me my burger, I unwrapped it and began to eat.

Ten minutes and still no conversation was struck but it was amazing. I rested my head on his shoulder and began to speak.

"That's when you know you found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share in silence."

"Pulp Fiction. I knew you'd like that part."

"Josh, I think, no wait, I know I love you." His arm shifter a little as he took his hand in mine.

"Tyler, I know I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this, it's not that long but it's something.


	12. Chapter twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys probably think I'm dead but school started a coupe weeks ago and even though it's only the beginning I'm already swamped with work. Sigh. I'll try and make this chapter long to make up for me not updating but who knows, I write these before I start the chapter. Sorry for being gone and leaving you so long. If I'm being honest I had to re read all of this so I knew where I let off on...

I don't know exactly where I am or how I got here but from the looks of these roads, I'm not necessarily in the 'good' part of town. The not so distant smell of pot followed everywhere you went and the shady slips into alley ways went unnoticed like it was an everyday thing. It probably was. My phone constantly buzzing, probably with worried texts from Josh. It was about midnight or maybe even two in the morning so he might have gotten up to use the bathroom or turned over in bed to find me missing, no matter how he noticed I was in deep shit whenever the hell I was going to get back. I don't feel bad. I know I should feel bad. I know I would have felt bad but the lack of emotions that have followed me this past month is causing me to be hurtful to those I love. The other day, Josh and I had finally exchanged an 'I love you'. Thinking about it now caused my heart to swell, my chest to tighten, the regret sunk in. Fuck. I Shouldn't be doing this.

My mind has been incredibly blank. That's the best way I can describe it. Thoughts are usually clouded my brain, pulling apart actions and directing words but now? I can barely think about what my mom said on the phone earlier. I don't think I was paying attention, I don't know if I want to pay attention. I'm not used to having a clear mind, I'm always drowning in whys and what ifs and who's and I don't know if I like it. It's new... Ever since I can remember I thought and thought and thought so much that I had trouble falling asleep without white noise but now it takes me ten minutes to fall asleep and I no longer think about what's making certain noises outside or imagining what's making the noises. It kind of sucks a little. I used to ask Josh why he would pick the certain cereal in the morning or think about why his showers were always a different time, some longer than others yet shorter and shorter. I think it's because he's picking up on subtle changes in me as slowly as I'm realizing them myself. He notices that I don't ask people in horror movies what they're doing and I'm no longer making sarcastic comments towards the dialogue; when we go out for walks I'm not as excited as I used to be when a dog would be walking towards us. I think he's worried about me. I'm worried about me. I don't know if this is a new stage into the cluster fuck that is the cocktail of my mental health or is this how a normal human's thoughts are. It's also taking me a while to think about this; focussing is harder now too. I can't sit still, I find myself getting up and walking around the house whilst we watch movies or tv shows, I think It's starting to big Josh too.

I'm sat in the yard currently pulling at the grass, slowly forming a grass mountain. Josh was currently out to get in n' out, I didn't feeling like leaving the house today so I decided to stay home, He was a bit hesitant about that. I assured him I was fine and that he can call me when he gets to the place but when he did he sounded like a mother making sure their son was okay. I didn't mind it though, I would feel the same way if he were to have done what I did; he should be home any minute now.

I feel like I have no sense of time anymore. Yesterday didn't seem to end while we watched pulp fiction but the day before time seemed to move to fast because we spent the day having a bubble bath, not as erotic as it seems seeing as all we did was make bubble beards and splash each other, the floor had more water on it than in the tub by the end. We didn't even notice that the water had gone cold. That's the thing about relationships; you can ignore inconveniences just to have a little fun with the person and it means more than a dozen red roses or a box of chocolate, their company is enough. I heard the sliding glass door open and some bags shuffling as Josh came out to the yard.

"I brought one of the blankets from the closet outside. I'd assume you would want to eat out here."

"Mhm." I got up from the to help him set up the blanket. For some reason physics makes it impossibly hard to lay out a blanket on the ground perfectly. A corner always turns up or a huge fold is in the middle and it's never a one man job. "I'm gonna go wash my hands, I was pulling out the grass and I'd rather not have grass hamburger."

"Sounds like a plan." I walked inside to the kitchen and walked over to the sink. I started washing my hands as I looked up, I can see the back of Josh from the window as he ate on the blanket. I will never get over that feeling every time I look at him, or hear him, or hear of him; It's just one of those things. A feeling comparable when you go down slides at the waterpark that are almost vertical or the feeling your chest gets as you enter a lake after cliff diving but these feelings are better. More adrenaline. Your heart rate is faster. You can't feel your legs. Your brain is dizzy. I think I love him.

I dried my hands in the dish towel and headed back to the screen down. He turned around and smiled at me; Oh man. I know I love him. I walked over and sat down. He handed me my burger, I unwrapped it and began to eat.

Ten minutes and still no conversation was struck but it was amazing. I rested my head on his shoulder and began to speak.

"That's when you know you found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share in silence."

"Pulp Fiction. I knew you'd like that part."

"Josh, I think, no wait, I know I love you." His arm shifter a little as he took his hand in mine.

"Tyler, I know I love you."

I pulled out my phone. Twenty missed calls. A few from Jack, Pete but they were all mostly from Josh. I hate to worry him, but I kept walking. I had a plan set into my mind and fifty dollars in my pocket. I pulled a number that's gone unused in my phone for two years when I hit up a stoner that was in my health class freshman year, we had a group project but after that we never talked. He notorious in school for drug dealing and knew how to get almost anything. I didn't want to fuck up my life so I told him no narcotics and no ecstasy. I landed with two double dip acid tabs, whatever the hell that means, for fourteen, and nine Xanax bars for thirty six waiting for me. I was fast approaching the street he told me to meet him on and I grew nervous. I know he wouldn't give me bad acid, I heard stories about trips gone wrong but I also didn't know enough about him to say he wouldn't. It was caught that I really didn't know this dude at all. I kept walking.

"Hey, Joseph." I heard someone shout. Looking up I saw him leaned against the building with a hoodie pulled up. "Let me see the money first." I hesitantly pulled out the fifty and showed him. He nodded and in turn pulled out two little plastic bags. "Exactly what you wanted and what you can afford. Don't take them all at once, you'll probably OD, good doing business with you. Hit me up any time." He pulled the money out of my hand, replacing it with the bags and headed the opposite way to which I came. I turned around and headed that way too. I popped one of the pills into the palm of my hand, the past few weeks I haven't taken any of my meds so it won't effect me bad; I swallowed the pill dry. I quickly opened the other bag and took out one of the tabs and placed it on my tongue and continued forward. They say you take acid to find yourself but I'm so lost that I'm quickly fading out.

~*~

I found a girl in tears at the park. She had funny hair and a monkey on her shoulder. She was said so I gave her the other tab and we headed back to mine. The colors were phenomenal. I couldn't believe how wonderful everything was. Everything was moving and the sounds were magnificent. I wish I could see this way forever. I wish Josh was here.

"Hey!" I shouted to the girl, she swayed a bit, dancing to the songs she was hearing though I couldn't hear it, she turned to me and nodded. "Do you want to meet my wonderful boyfriend? He's so sweet and dreamy and has this hair. This hair that's beautiful and like cotton candy."

"He sounds wonderful Tyler, I must meet him now."

Though it's been about three hours since I first took mine and once since she took her's and I can feel myself sobering up a bit. "Josh probably hates me. I've been ignoring him for hours. He's probably gonna break up with me. Ashley I can't take that." I could feel the tears in my eyes, I looked up to find myself approaching my house, a familiar shape asleep on the porch, far blotchy and red, dried tear streaks, reminding me back when I saw him in the office all those months ago, when I briefly opened my eyes in the ambulance. I felt so shitty, the trip, or high that I was on crashed and burned as I realized for the time I was gone, Josh was probably worried sick, he's even waited outside for me. I quickly ran up to him and gently shook him awake. It took a moment for him to realize it was me.

"Tyler?"

"Please don't hate me Josh. I fucked up. I shouldn't have left. I'm such terrible person. I don't know what's wrong with me. You can break up with me I understand if you do I'm just so fucking sorry." The moment the final word left my mouth I was wrapped in his arms.

"I don't hate you, just don't ever scare me like that again. God I thought you were gone again. That I'd lost you."

"Hiya!" Ashley shouted. "I'm Tyler's friend. You must be the amazing Josh he boasted about and said I had to meet. You do have amazing hair!"

"Is she high?" I nodded. "Were you high too?" I didn't want to disappoint him but I knew I couldn't lie. I nodded. "Well, as long as you're safe and never worry me like that again, we're okay. Let's go inside. You can come too.." Josh said, not knowing her name.

"It's um, Hal-Halsey, wait no that's not right, it's um, Ashley!"


End file.
